The truth doesn't have to be pretty, just the truth. Being malnourished isn't always about a lack of food... Lead by example. Other peoples opinion of you is none of your business. You are only as good as your word. Be the change you seek.

Monday, January 7, 2013

As Good As It Gets

It has been a long almost 4 months. Really, really, really long! I had my Dr appointment today to see how my injured foot has healed.  I have come so far, and am eagerly awaiting good news.  Please let it be good news!  I need it to be good news!  I need to get my new years commitments underway, and I mean now.  I have such a good feeling about today that I put my right foot sneaker in the car, the sneaker I haven't seen for 4 months.

My appointment was for 9 am and apparently everyone hurt themselves over the weekend and I was not called back until about 9:45.  I was so nervous when they called my name, my heart was just about beating out of my chest. I walked back to the exam room and answered the usual questions and gleefully took off my boot, ready for the Dr to pronounce me ready to hit the gym.
The Dr comes in and asks how it feels.  I tell him that it is stiff and tires easily, however it feels great!  The only pain I have is where he had to slice my foot open to drain it.  He laughs and says I probably want to punch him.  I tell him it is a double edge sword.  I am so grateful for what he has done to help me and yet I am not a fan of the pain of the nerves trying to find their partner and reconnect.  He asks me if I can stand on it and I say that I no longer wear the boot for 3 am bathroom trips and standing in the shower is now safe.  He asks me to stand on it and I gleefully leap up from the exam chair and proudly stand on my foot.  He tells me I need to have some x- rays and they will be in in a minute for me. I am beaming.  They come to get me and I walk, yes walk to the x-ray room.  This is a far cry from the wheelchair I needed to get there, where it hurt to just look at my foot.  I gladly apply pressure to my foot for the x-rays.  I skillfully change direction and positions with my foot.  I am on cloud 9. (Not to mention that when they gave me a "belt" with a lead cape to wear around my waist for protection from possible pregnancy <the Virgin Mary has a better chance of being pregnant than me>, it went around my waist and even had extra when fastened.  This would not have happened all those pounds ago).  I walk back to my exam room and wait.  I can hear the Dr in the hall, here he comes...Damn, went next door.

In walks the Dr and he is smiling.  Could it be?  Am I ready to be bootless? Can I now wear matching shoes? Can I move my seat back to my original comfy position when I drive?  Can I go to the gym.  He pulls up my x-rays and we look at them.  He is happy with them.  The pinky toe has knitted nicely, albeit it with a huge chunk of bone missing.  He says that since the bones are arched, the weight bearing part will be fine.  The toe next to the pinky toe has also knitted nicely and there is a much smaller chunk of bone missing.  The bone didn't line up perfectly, however he is happy with it.  He says I don't have to see him anymore, this is as good as it gets.  He laughs and says, I know you love me, but we are done.  I sputter and then grin.  Grin like a Cheshire Cat.  I ask about going to the gym and he tells me that I can go.  NO weight bearing exercises, NO squats (damn...NOT), and NO CALF RAISES! The calf raises were the exercise that cost me these 4 months.  I said I don't see me doing calf raises until I am about 104 years old. I am so happy.  The Dr said since my foot is still so stiff, I can transition slowly from boot to sneaker.  He said if I am going to be shopping at Costco for a few hours, to wear the boot. Take it easy and if in 3-4 months it is not better, come back and see him.  As wonderful and as appreciative I am of him and all his help to get me to this point, I never want to see his office again.  If I should see him while I am out walking it matching shoes, that is a whole other story.

I practically float out of the office and skip to my car, skip as well as one can in a boot that doesn't let your foot bend.  I hop in the car and sit there for a few minutes truly appreciating the news I just got.  I went back over the last 4 months in my mind.  The devastation of possible surgery, the depression, the anger, the being on bed rest for 3 months, the pain, oh god the pain, the immobility, the anger from my husband, the not being able to take my son to school, my wonderful friend Judi that stepped in to get Nathan back and forth to school for months, the halting of my gym workouts, the not eating well, the whole horrible, ugly, painful, depressing, 4 months.  I am so grateful that those months are behind me, that I now can start looking forward again.  I have so many plans for this year and now I can start making those plans happen.

Thursday January 9th, 2013 is the day I pick up where I left off.  I hope you will all come along with me on my journey.



Tuesday, January 1, 2013

I am not making resolutions for 2013. Or any other year for that matter.

For the last few days, I have been gearing up for the start of the new year, trying to come up with resolutions that will help me in the year to come.  I was having a hard time finding resolutions that "fit" me.  I then decided I wasn't going to make resolutions. I am going to make life commitments. Resolutions are what you say your are going to do.  Resolutions set me up for failure. Commitments are things to be worked on, on a daily basis.

This are my commitments to myself and everyone else (in no particular order):
  • Being the best me that I can be
  • Being kinder to myself
  • Making the best choices I can in the moment
  • Don't berate myself over said choices. It's done, move on
  • Count  my blessings
  • Share my blessings
  • Be grateful for my blessings
  • Accept that I will be wrong AND make mistakes
  • Eat more green things
  • Say nice things about others
  • Choose to be happy
  • Move every day
  • Smile
  • Get out of my comfort zone
  • Forgive and move on
  • Make a difference
  • Listen more, talk less
  • I am a work in progress

2013 will be a year to continue to work on my promise to Nathan.  I promised and am committed to achieving my weight loss goal.  I did so well in 2011 and then 2012 knocked me down every chance it had.  I also played into the bad set of circumstances because it was easy to go with the flow.  I felt defeated and run over.  The foot injury was a horrible blow for me.  I had just found my mojo again and was going gangbusters at the gym.  When the Dr told me that I might need surgery and would be on bed rest for months, I let out a horrible cry and burst into tears and cried huge ugly tears.  The man setting my cast told me over and over it would be ok, hugged me and told me that I will get there and that I am a strong, beautiful woman (I didn't believe him).  Why me? Why now?  I have come so far and now this huge roadblock is in front of me.  After literally spending 2 months in bed, not using my right foot, I was defeated.  I thought I would rebound in 2 weeks and start exercising at home.  I tried.  I couldn't.  My foot was so bad.  It hurt to not have it raised.  It was a pain in the ass to get out of bed.  To go to the bathroom.  To take a sponge bath.  To get comfortable in bed.  I ate snacks in bed, there were no meals.  I tried to cook, but I couldn't stand and even with the scooter only cooked less than 5 times.  I was miserable, depressed, defeated and just plain ole gave up.  I go back in a week to see the progress of my foot and with the Dr's OK, I will be looking for a new gym and am going to work back up to where I was.  It will be frustrating, because I know what I was able to do and where I am now.  That's OK (kind of, sort of).  I have to start somewhere.  I will just put one foot in front of the other and make it happen.  I realized timeframes for losing weight and changing ones life is futile and served no purpose other than to make me feel bad.  

So my dear sweet Nathan, here it is.  I promise you that in 2013 you will be able to hug me and your arms will go all the way around me and your fingers touch.  I promise you that I will not let either of us down.  You will not have a fat Mom all of your life.  I promise.  

I love you my sweet boy.