The truth doesn't have to be pretty, just the truth. Being malnourished isn't always about a lack of food... Lead by example. Other peoples opinion of you is none of your business. You are only as good as your word. Be the change you seek.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

If I give up now, then what was the point of everything?

These last 6 months have sucked! SUCKED BIG TIME!

When I was injured back in September 2012, who knew that 6 months later I would still be fighting to get my mojo back?  Not only has it been a physically frustrating 6 months, it has been enormously hard emotionally as well.  I feel myself slipping away from what my goals were, still are.  I had lost 80 ish lbs when I was injured and now I believe I have gained 20, dare I say 30 lbs back over these 6 months.  My eating habits suck, my motivation is nil, my healthy attitude gone!  How the hell did this happen?  I was supposed to be fighting to lose the last of my weight at this stage, to be toning up?

Nathan has his 5th grade graduation in less than 2 months.  I was supposed to be rocking the new me.  I am not even at the 80 ish lbs gone me anymore!  I am hating this.  How do I get back to my work our routine?  How do I find a new routine?  I have joined a new gym for various reasons and while it works, it is not my old comfortable gym stomping grounds.  I miss my old machines, my routine there, the comfort level.  I enlisted my husband to go with me, and he is a great motivator to get up and get going in the am as he is a real morning person (bastard :) ).  Summer will be here soon and then before I know it, my brother is getting married NYE 2013.  I am supposed to be looking fierce then.

 How do I find the mindset to go from depression of mojo lost to fierce in 9 months.  I once had it, I didn't have to find it, it found me.  I made promises to Nathan, to myself.  I want to keep those promises, to feel better, to look better, to be better.  How do I get there?  I am still afraid to go balls to the wall like I used to for fear of making my foot worse.  I can't do any weight bearing exercises and am limited to upper body.  Yeah, I know, poor me, only being able to work out the upper body. I just don't feel like myself anymore.  The pre injury Kelly that would and could do anything to the hobbled Kelly that I am not a fan of.

I have the tools, the skills, the want, the need, the desire.  I just flat out feel like a failure.  I loved when people would tell me looking good, you inspire me, way to go, honk their horns when I was out walking.  I miss that and with the way I feel and look, all of that is gone.  I can't walk like I did, I don't look like I did.  I don't feel like I did.  In addition to feeling like I am on a slide backwards with no way off, I also have to re-lose the weight I gained.  Talk about a fast track to the bottom of the barrel.

Maybe getting this off my chest will help.  Maybe if I put it out there, the universe will send me my inspiration.  Maybe seeing this in black and white will get me off my ass and motivate me.  Maybe, maybe, maybe.  I want a definitive!  I want my mojo back!  can you hear me? I WANT MY MOJO BACK!!  I WANT TO GIVE A DAMN AGAIN!!  I WANT TO SUCEED!!