I Made A Promise

I'M BACK BABY!  Last night it hit me, like a ton of bricks!  I had made a promise to Nathan and I was no longer keeping it.

When I lost my first 20 lbs, Nathan said to me that he couldn't wait until I got skinny.  I asked why, thinking he would say that he wanted to run and play and have me be more active with him.  He turned to me and said that when he hugs me that he wants his arms to reach all the way around me and to have his fingers touch.  He was being his sweet 8 year old self, honestly telling me his want.  It broke my heart and inspired me all at once.  I promised him that this would happen, that nothing was going to get in the way of the best finger touching hug ever!

I was doing it.  I lost 90 lbs and while there were trials and tribulations in there, my goal was a part of me.  I did not cheat with bad food.  I went cold turkey on potato chips.  I went to the gym 5 days a week and worked my schedule around my gym time.  I was succeeding.  Nathan would do a hug check every so often and then one day his hands were closer than they had ever been.  We were getting there, we were close!

Then September 24, 2012 happened.  I had a horrible injury at the gym.  I broke bones in my foot, I ripped tendons, muscles and ligaments from my bones, my ankle separated with nothing to hold it together.  I naively thought I could get a boot from the Dr and carry on, not missing a beat.  That was not even close to being what happened.  I was told I had the worst injury I could have and the injury I had was the worst of the worst.  I was going to need surgery; titanium pins, rods and screws.  I was going to be on bed rest for a long long time.  Recovery was going to be long.  I broke down and started weeping right there in the Dr's office.  This couldn't be.  I had just found my MOJO again and now I was going to spend months in bed.  Not using my right foot at all.  The foot that throbbed if you looked at it, the foot that was the size of a football.

 I was crushed.  I will skip the steps it took to get me to today and walking again.  It was a long and dark period.

It is as good as it gets.  That's what the surgeon told me.  He was happy with my progress, saying this was as good as it gets.  My bones knitted.  Knitted a little off center.  My toes are missing pieces of bones.  My ankle is tight and stiff.  I can feel a rainstorm 3 days before it hits.  My foot still gets tired.  I am grateful to be walking.  Grateful for no surgery.  I was only able to tie my sneaker last month because the swelling went down enough.  It is as good as it gets.

Fast forward to August 2, 2013 and I was looking at some pictures I had on my computer and saw my strong self.  The self that was losing weight, walked taller, stronger than I have ever been in my life, feeling great about myself and my progress.

 I then saw some pictures of Nathan and that is when it hit me.

I was not keeping my promise to him.  I had let my injury take from me something so important.  Take something so important from Nathan.  I realized that he still hugs me all the time, but there is no exciting finger touching checks.  I had let injuries become excuses, limitations become road blocks, let fear become avoidance.  Bad eating and riding the couch had become the norm.

Then I had my light bulb moment, my ah ha moment last night. Yes, I am not as strong as I was, I may never be able to do a plank again, my stamina and endurance sucks, my desire for the gym was nil, I gained weight back and I didn't care.  NONE OF THAT MATTERS!!  True, I am not as strong as I was a year ago, I am stronger than I was 2 years ago.  My first plank lasted all of 5 seconds 2 years ago.  My last plank a year ago was 1 minute and 20 seconds! Even with the weight gain, I don't weigh what I weighed 2 years ago.

What matters is my promise to Nathan.  I made a promise and I am keeping that promise.  I am starting from today, August 5, 2013.  Not 2 years ago.  Not September 24, 2012.  The past is the past and there is not a damn thing I can do about it.  I will make today matter.  I will make good choices for today.  Today I matter.  Today I will keep my promise to Nathan.

I LOVE YOU NATHAN AND OUR FINGER TOUCHING HUG IS BACK ON TRACK

If I give up now, then what was the point of everything?

These last 6 months have sucked! SUCKED BIG TIME!

When I was injured back in September 2012, who knew that 6 months later I would still be fighting to get my mojo back?  Not only has it been a physically frustrating 6 months, it has been enormously hard emotionally as well.  I feel myself slipping away from what my goals were, still are.  I had lost 80 ish lbs when I was injured and now I believe I have gained 20, dare I say 30 lbs back over these 6 months.  My eating habits suck, my motivation is nil, my healthy attitude gone!  How the hell did this happen?  I was supposed to be fighting to lose the last of my weight at this stage, to be toning up?

Nathan has his 5th grade graduation in less than 2 months.  I was supposed to be rocking the new me.  I am not even at the 80 ish lbs gone me anymore!  I am hating this.  How do I get back to my work our routine?  How do I find a new routine?  I have joined a new gym for various reasons and while it works, it is not my old comfortable gym stomping grounds.  I miss my old machines, my routine there, the comfort level.  I enlisted my husband to go with me, and he is a great motivator to get up and get going in the am as he is a real morning person (bastard :) ).  Summer will be here soon and then before I know it, my brother is getting married NYE 2013.  I am supposed to be looking fierce then.

 How do I find the mindset to go from depression of mojo lost to fierce in 9 months.  I once had it, I didn't have to find it, it found me.  I made promises to Nathan, to myself.  I want to keep those promises, to feel better, to look better, to be better.  How do I get there?  I am still afraid to go balls to the wall like I used to for fear of making my foot worse.  I can't do any weight bearing exercises and am limited to upper body.  Yeah, I know, poor me, only being able to work out the upper body. I just don't feel like myself anymore.  The pre injury Kelly that would and could do anything to the hobbled Kelly that I am not a fan of.

I have the tools, the skills, the want, the need, the desire.  I just flat out feel like a failure.  I loved when people would tell me looking good, you inspire me, way to go, honk their horns when I was out walking.  I miss that and with the way I feel and look, all of that is gone.  I can't walk like I did, I don't look like I did.  I don't feel like I did.  In addition to feeling like I am on a slide backwards with no way off, I also have to re-lose the weight I gained.  Talk about a fast track to the bottom of the barrel.

Maybe getting this off my chest will help.  Maybe if I put it out there, the universe will send me my inspiration.  Maybe seeing this in black and white will get me off my ass and motivate me.  Maybe, maybe, maybe.  I want a definitive!  I want my mojo back!  can you hear me? I WANT MY MOJO BACK!!  I WANT TO GIVE A DAMN AGAIN!!  I WANT TO SUCEED!!

As Good As It Gets

It has been a long almost 4 months. Really, really, really long! I had my Dr appointment today to see how my injured foot has healed.  I have come so far, and am eagerly awaiting good news.  Please let it be good news!  I need it to be good news!  I need to get my new years commitments underway, and I mean now.  I have such a good feeling about today that I put my right foot sneaker in the car, the sneaker I haven't seen for 4 months.

My appointment was for 9 am and apparently everyone hurt themselves over the weekend and I was not called back until about 9:45.  I was so nervous when they called my name, my heart was just about beating out of my chest. I walked back to the exam room and answered the usual questions and gleefully took off my boot, ready for the Dr to pronounce me ready to hit the gym.
The Dr comes in and asks how it feels.  I tell him that it is stiff and tires easily, however it feels great!  The only pain I have is where he had to slice my foot open to drain it.  He laughs and says I probably want to punch him.  I tell him it is a double edge sword.  I am so grateful for what he has done to help me and yet I am not a fan of the pain of the nerves trying to find their partner and reconnect.  He asks me if I can stand on it and I say that I no longer wear the boot for 3 am bathroom trips and standing in the shower is now safe.  He asks me to stand on it and I gleefully leap up from the exam chair and proudly stand on my foot.  He tells me I need to have some x- rays and they will be in in a minute for me. I am beaming.  They come to get me and I walk, yes walk to the x-ray room.  This is a far cry from the wheelchair I needed to get there, where it hurt to just look at my foot.  I gladly apply pressure to my foot for the x-rays.  I skillfully change direction and positions with my foot.  I am on cloud 9. (Not to mention that when they gave me a "belt" with a lead cape to wear around my waist for protection from possible pregnancy <the Virgin Mary has a better chance of being pregnant than me>, it went around my waist and even had extra when fastened.  This would not have happened all those pounds ago).  I walk back to my exam room and wait.  I can hear the Dr in the hall, here he comes...Damn, went next door.

In walks the Dr and he is smiling.  Could it be?  Am I ready to be bootless? Can I now wear matching shoes? Can I move my seat back to my original comfy position when I drive?  Can I go to the gym.  He pulls up my x-rays and we look at them.  He is happy with them.  The pinky toe has knitted nicely, albeit it with a huge chunk of bone missing.  He says that since the bones are arched, the weight bearing part will be fine.  The toe next to the pinky toe has also knitted nicely and there is a much smaller chunk of bone missing.  The bone didn't line up perfectly, however he is happy with it.  He says I don't have to see him anymore, this is as good as it gets.  He laughs and says, I know you love me, but we are done.  I sputter and then grin.  Grin like a Cheshire Cat.  I ask about going to the gym and he tells me that I can go.  NO weight bearing exercises, NO squats (damn...NOT), and NO CALF RAISES! The calf raises were the exercise that cost me these 4 months.  I said I don't see me doing calf raises until I am about 104 years old. I am so happy.  The Dr said since my foot is still so stiff, I can transition slowly from boot to sneaker.  He said if I am going to be shopping at Costco for a few hours, to wear the boot. Take it easy and if in 3-4 months it is not better, come back and see him.  As wonderful and as appreciative I am of him and all his help to get me to this point, I never want to see his office again.  If I should see him while I am out walking it matching shoes, that is a whole other story.

I practically float out of the office and skip to my car, skip as well as one can in a boot that doesn't let your foot bend.  I hop in the car and sit there for a few minutes truly appreciating the news I just got.  I went back over the last 4 months in my mind.  The devastation of possible surgery, the depression, the anger, the being on bed rest for 3 months, the pain, oh god the pain, the immobility, the anger from my husband, the not being able to take my son to school, my wonderful friend Judi that stepped in to get Nathan back and forth to school for months, the halting of my gym workouts, the not eating well, the whole horrible, ugly, painful, depressing, 4 months.  I am so grateful that those months are behind me, that I now can start looking forward again.  I have so many plans for this year and now I can start making those plans happen.

Thursday January 9th, 2013 is the day I pick up where I left off.  I hope you will all come along with me on my journey.

I am not making resolutions for 2013. Or any other year for that matter.

For the last few days, I have been gearing up for the start of the new year, trying to come up with resolutions that will help me in the year to come.  I was having a hard time finding resolutions that "fit" me.  I then decided I wasn't going to make resolutions. I am going to make life commitments. Resolutions are what you say your are going to do.  Resolutions set me up for failure. Commitments are things to be worked on, on a daily basis.

This are my commitments to myself and everyone else (in no particular order):

• Being the best me that I can be
• Being kinder to myself
• Making the best choices I can in the moment
• Don't berate myself over said choices. It's done, move on
• Count  my blessings
• Share my blessings
• Be grateful for my blessings
• Accept that I will be wrong AND make mistakes
• Eat more green things
• Say nice things about others
• Choose to be happy
• Move every day
• Smile
• Get out of my comfort zone
• Forgive and move on
• Make a difference
• Listen more, talk less
• I am a work in progress

2013 will be a year to continue to work on my promise to Nathan.  I promised and am committed to achieving my weight loss goal.  I did so well in 2011 and then 2012 knocked me down every chance it had.  I also played into the bad set of circumstances because it was easy to go with the flow.  I felt defeated and run over.  The foot injury was a horrible blow for me.  I had just found my mojo again and was going gangbusters at the gym.  When the Dr told me that I might need surgery and would be on bed rest for months, I let out a horrible cry and burst into tears and cried huge ugly tears.  The man setting my cast told me over and over it would be ok, hugged me and told me that I will get there and that I am a strong, beautiful woman (I didn't believe him).  Why me? Why now?  I have come so far and now this huge roadblock is in front of me.  After literally spending 2 months in bed, not using my right foot, I was defeated.  I thought I would rebound in 2 weeks and start exercising at home.  I tried.  I couldn't.  My foot was so bad.  It hurt to not have it raised.  It was a pain in the ass to get out of bed.  To go to the bathroom.  To take a sponge bath.  To get comfortable in bed.  I ate snacks in bed, there were no meals.  I tried to cook, but I couldn't stand and even with the scooter only cooked less than 5 times.  I was miserable, depressed, defeated and just plain ole gave up.  I go back in a week to see the progress of my foot and with the Dr's OK, I will be looking for a new gym and am going to work back up to where I was.  It will be frustrating, because I know what I was able to do and where I am now.  That's OK (kind of, sort of).  I have to start somewhere.  I will just put one foot in front of the other and make it happen.  I realized timeframes for losing weight and changing ones life is futile and served no purpose other than to make me feel bad.  

So my dear sweet Nathan, here it is.  I promise you that in 2013 you will be able to hug me and your arms will go all the way around me and your fingers touch.  I promise you that I will not let either of us down.  You will not have a fat Mom all of your life.  I promise.  

I love you my sweet boy.