I'M BACK BABY! Last night it hit me, like a ton of bricks! I had made a promise to Nathan and I was no longer keeping it.
When I lost my first 20 lbs, Nathan said to me that he couldn't wait until I got skinny. I asked why, thinking he would say that he wanted to run and play and have me be more active with him. He turned to me and said that when he hugs me that he wants his arms to reach all the way around me and to have his fingers touch. He was being his sweet 8 year old self, honestly telling me his want. It broke my heart and inspired me all at once. I promised him that this would happen, that nothing was going to get in the way of the best finger touching hug ever!
I was doing it. I lost 90 lbs and while there were trials and tribulations in there, my goal was a part of me. I did not cheat with bad food. I went cold turkey on potato chips. I went to the gym 5 days a week and worked my schedule around my gym time. I was succeeding. Nathan would do a hug check every so often and then one day his hands were closer than they had ever been. We were getting there, we were close!
Then September 24, 2012 happened. I had a horrible injury at the gym. I broke bones in my foot, I ripped tendons, muscles and ligaments from my bones, my ankle separated with nothing to hold it together. I naively thought I could get a boot from the Dr and carry on, not missing a beat. That was not even close to being what happened. I was told I had the worst injury I could have and the injury I had was the worst of the worst. I was going to need surgery; titanium pins, rods and screws. I was going to be on bed rest for a long long time. Recovery was going to be long. I broke down and started weeping right there in the Dr's office. This couldn't be. I had just found my MOJO again and now I was going to spend months in bed. Not using my right foot at all. The foot that throbbed if you looked at it, the foot that was the size of a football.
It is as good as it gets. That's what the surgeon told me. He was happy with my progress, saying this was as good as it gets. My bones knitted. Knitted a little off center. My toes are missing pieces of bones. My ankle is tight and stiff. I can feel a rainstorm 3 days before it hits. My foot still gets tired. I am grateful to be walking. Grateful for no surgery. I was only able to tie my sneaker last month because the swelling went down enough. It is as good as it gets.
Fast forward to August 2, 2013 and I was looking at some pictures I had on my computer and saw my strong self. The self that was losing weight, walked taller, stronger than I have ever been in my life, feeling great about myself and my progress.
Then I had my light bulb moment, my ah ha moment last night. Yes, I am not as strong as I was, I may never be able to do a plank again, my stamina and endurance sucks, my desire for the gym was nil, I gained weight back and I didn't care. NONE OF THAT MATTERS!! True, I am not as strong as I was a year ago, I am stronger than I was 2 years ago. My first plank lasted all of 5 seconds 2 years ago. My last plank a year ago was 1 minute and 20 seconds! Even with the weight gain, I don't weigh what I weighed 2 years ago.
What matters is my promise to Nathan. I made a promise and I am keeping that promise. I am starting from today, August 5, 2013. Not 2 years ago. Not September 24, 2012. The past is the past and there is not a damn thing I can do about it. I will make today matter. I will make good choices for today. Today I matter. Today I will keep my promise to Nathan.
I LOVE YOU NATHAN AND OUR FINGER TOUCHING HUG IS BACK ON TRACK
