I have been on the quiet side today. Today was 3 years since 'anklegate' and everything that came with it. I have spent the day contemplating where I was 3 years ago and where I am today. I don't like what I see. At all. I have also been exploring my fear of the gym. I have a real block with it. I am afraid I could re-injure myself, that I won't be able to do what I used to do, that I won't be as dedicated as I was and that just pisses me off. The gym is a trigger for me now. I miss my old gym and the success that I had there, the folks cheering me on, lending their support and an atta girl as they watched my progress.
I have (mostly) come to terms with what the Dr said when he told me that my foot is as good as it is going to get. I had the worst injury you can get and the worst damage you could have from that injury and I refused surgery when the surgeon said I 95% need it and if I was his wife, he would recommend me having it. I have missing bone in one toe, knitting that doesn't line up in another toe and I have had pain every single day for the past 3 years (just going away with the swimming and supplements that I am taking now)
I have (mostly) come to terms with what the Dr said when he told me that my foot is as good as it is going to get. I had the worst injury you can get and the worst damage you could have from that injury and I refused surgery when the surgeon said I 95% need it and if I was his wife, he would recommend me having it. I have missing bone in one toe, knitting that doesn't line up in another toe and I have had pain every single day for the past 3 years (just going away with the swimming and supplements that I am taking now)
The thing that makes all this OK is that I don't ever have to do squats again! ;) Squats are too much of a weight bearing exercise for the foot per Dr's orders. I hated squats, oh dear Lord I hated squats. I was really good at them and would do genuflecting squats while carrying a 30 pound weight in each hand. It was Catholic guilt and sweat while working out. Ha Ha
I have had many, so many new starts, new beginnings and do overs these past 3 years. I haven't been able to find my way back to the gym rat that I loved being, the athlete I had become. The liking what I saw in the mirror, the confidence I found and exuded. Now all I see is someone who's hard work was for naught. Who let depression steal her joy and the efforts of all her hard work.
I have been a total shit for not keeping my end of the promise I made to Nathan, I was doing so well and I cannot find that motivation again. It is so heartbreaking, distressing, pitiful, self loathing, self hating and all the other bad adjectives I can throw at myself.
I am done with that. This time has to be different. It WILL be different. I have confided in some folks and asked them to give me a year to make some major changes. I have given myself until July of 2016 to make some major changes in the way I look, act and feel. I have made plans to visit folks with the improved me. I hate the now me and I am not taking her anywhere. I have put it out there for the universe to hear and you to help hold me accountable. I have been swimming for almost 4 moths and loved it right up until a week ago when I just got totally bored with it. I turned off my 4:15 am swim alarm and have been sleeping like a champ. That is not going to get me where I need to be though.
I am going to turn that 4:15 alarm back on and mix it up. Some days it will be swimming.. Other days it will be the machines. Some days I will make a 2nd morning trip to the gym to do the opposite of what I did that morning. I am also going to walk for an hour at the park on the evenings that Nathan is taking his Taekwondo class. Come join me at the park if you would like, I can't be the speedy walker or jogger/runner that I was, but I will be walking and the is progress.
I am going to be blogging a few times a week and it will be all about my journey and how I am not eating my feelings anymore. There will probably be some dog stories mixed in, pithy observations, sharing my lusting after potato chips (I have a body by Lay's), a moody post or 12, Nathan antidotes and a paragraph or 2 only sore muscles. There will also be pictures and a guaranteed swear word or 7 and guaranteed honesty, the truth doesn't have to be pretty, just the truth. The good, the bad and the ugly.
I would love if you came along with me on this journey. I need cheerleaders and folks to kick my ass, holding me accountable.
