Fall Is Here. Finally.

Fall came a week later to Albuquerque and it was worth the wait. Last week we still had temps of 93º at 6 pm and it was hot hot hot! This morning the clouds were enveloping the Sandia Mountains and provided a fluffy cotton dandy backdrop for the hundreds of hot air balloons that were dotting the sky. The weather is damp, cool and just delicious. Time to get out my 'winter shorts'. I wear shorts all year long. This is my time of year.

Yesterday was a hard day for my little family. It was my father in laws birthday, the first one since he passed away last November.  It was hard to see my husband tear up while we were buying flowers to take to his grave. We all brought flowers and balloons and it made a nice burst of color for his headstone. We didn't coordinate our visit with other family and we all would up there within minutes of each other. I jokingly said are we going to sing happy birthday and so we did. I felt a little silly singing in the cemetery, but I am glad that we did. We have the first anniversary of his passing next month and that one is going to be even harder.

I am still on my juice fast, day 5.  I am feeling really good. Weekends are have always been hard for me.  I got in the habit of taking it easy on the weekends.  I then did the math and realized that being lax for 2 days a week is almost like being bad for 3 months out of the year. That is not a good thing. This weekend was especially trying for me. Saturday we took the car to be detailed I sat next to a popcorn machine that made endless batches of popcorn and there were snacks everywhere.  I held strong and sipped my juice. After the cemetery, we all decided to go to lunch afterward. This was not not the table when we set out in the am, so I was not prepared with a juice. I had water while everyone was enjoying salsa and chips and then some delicious lunches.  I feel real resolve this fast and just sipped my water. I would up doing a water fast all day on Sunday and crawling into bed to just chill. I listened to my body. I had a fabulous nights sleep and woke up feeling rested.  

This morning I woke up and wasn't hungry, even after having just water yesterday. I stepped on the scale this morning and it shows that I have lost 10.8 lbs since October 1st.  I am thrilled.   I went and did a bunch of errands and then decided I needed to drink some juice, so I stopped by my local raw and juice bar.  I had another shot of wheat grass and the most delicious juice I have ever had.  I chose ingredients I have used together myself before, but I guess not having juice yesterday and having someone else make it for me made it even more delicious. I would love for them to juice for me everyday. If I was a Rockefeller. I asked the manager if it would be OK if I brought in my own mason jars, stainless steel straws and shot glass (for wheat grass) so I would not be throwing away all this plastic and he said he I sure could. I really like the manager.  

I had planned to walk around the park while Nathan was doing Taekwondo, however he sprained his finger today playing ball at school and they are taped together. They are sparring today at Taekwondo and he didn't want to hurt it more.  I was also going to go to the gym with the hubby tonight and he just said he isn't going to go tonight.  I am a bit disappointed, but my body is very tired so I am ok with this. I am going to chill and listen to the rain that just started. 

This And That

I seem to have to NO patience with other drivers or those with a shopping cart lately. Yo! Lady stuffing your face with Costco samples, you do not get to cut me off to beat me to another sample table.  I assure you that I am not getting a sample and maybe you should stop for a bib and manners before the next feeding.  What pushed me over the edge was a city bus that I watched make a right turn on red without stopping, then proceed to speed down a hill, try to come into my lane, in the very spot I was in and then blow through a school zone.  I called the city to report it all.  The lady taking the info asked me what streets we were on, I told her, even the direction the bus was going and then turned (that took 5 minutes in my head before I called.  North is usually the direction I am facing :) ) because I used the mountains as my guide. I gave her the time this happened, the route number of the bus and the bus number.  I remember all of this while driving.  She then asks me if I happened to catch the license plate number. I said are you kidding me, I was driving as all this happened, didn't write anything down because my hands were on the wheel and I gave you many ways to identify the bus and you want the license plate number? She said I guess not, huh? Good guess.  I also said that the bus cameras will be able to relay all the info I gave you and when you get to the bus with the bus number I gave you, you can get the license plate number then.  

I started my juice fast on October 1st and it has been going really well.  If you don't count the waking up at 3 am and the pounding headaches I get for the first few days.  I have been able to take it easy these past few days and having the weekend in the beginning of a fast works well for me.  I have been super tired and that is normal for me.  Pretty soon I will be bouncing off the walls with energy and the headaches will be gone.  

I made a delicious pineapple and citrus juice yesterday. I really wasn't in the mood for something green.  I wanted something bright and fruity.  This sure hit the spot, making about 64 ounces of pure health.  Nathan apparently is on a juice fast when I make juices as he 'helped' me drink this.  I love that he loves juices and will drink whatever I make. 

1 large pineapple

2 large oranges

10 mandarin oranges

3 limes

3 red apples

Each juice fast is different as you body needs different things and reacts differently.  This time my body is having me spend quality time in the bathroom.  I mean I could have read War and Peace in there these past 2 days.  One of my dogs does not like me to have privacy and loves to open the bathroom door with his head and pop in and say hi and then leave.  I have been in there so often, that I have stopped closing the door for fear of him getting a concussion with him opening the door with his head so often. LOL  

Today I had some errands to do.  I decided to stop and get a juice when we headed out this am.  I also got a wheatgrass shot. For those that have never done a wheatgrass shot, they can be bitter and are an intense flavor.  I was talking to the guy making my order and he said it is all in how you cut it and he explained that the lower stalk is sweeter and the more of color that you can get, the sweeter the shot is.  He was right. It was 'sweeter', but still a very intense flavor. I did my 2 oz shot like a trooper. I said that I had always wanted to grow wheatgrass and he offered to give me a tray next time I come in and see about selling me some seeds.  I am stoked.  I hope my juicer can juice the wheat grass.  I would love to do a wheat grass shot every day because the nutrients are equivalent to eating 8 lbs of vegetables.  

FIERCE! 

I was taking the car to be detailed and it was a 2 1/2 hour job.  We were going to walk across the street and meander around, but decided to stay there and sit at a nice table and chat, play on our phones.  And eat.  Well, Rick ate.  They have free popcorn and coffee at the car wash and Rick decided to live it up.  I got him 4 bags of popcorn, 4 coffees and 1 coke.  He got himself the Moon Pie from the vending machine for dessert.  I sat next to that popcorn maker for 2/12 hours and sipped my juice smelled them making batch after batch of popcorn.  I sat there watching the hubby snack away.  Not once did my resolve waiver.  

Feeling Juicy

I went and got a new scale today.  My old one said I weighed 6,185 lbs. no matter how many new batteries we put in there. I set the new one up (it is exactly like the old one) and synched it to my phone.  I stood on it and almost wept.  All those 4 am mornings (4 months of them) and nothing.  I have lost some inches, no weight.  Well, technically, I no longer weigh 6,185, losing almost 3 tons :)
I know what needs to be done, I did it before. I need to clean up my eating and get in the gym on the machines.

I started a juice fast today. I had been planning on it and I belong to a group that is doing it as well.  I have done a few before and the longest I went was 12 days.  That is a long time to want to chew and not be able to.  Juicing is a fabulous way to get nutrients into your body and clean it out of all sorts of gunk. I am hoping to juice the whole month of October. I love juicing pineapples and bought 6 today.  I juice a whole pineapple a day.  Today I made my sweet green. Nathan loves when I juice and he will drink it all if I don't remind him that I would like some too. You should drink 96 oz of juice a day and lots of water.  Your juice should be 80/20 (veg/fruit).  I start off sweet and then my body craves more of the green as the days go on, so I am not 80/20 when I start out.  I am hoping I have no headaches and do not enter the 'I am going to bite your head off' mood as I detox.  Sometimes when I juice fast, I have days when I do just water. It is super important to listen to your body when fasting.  You should also check with your Dr before you start if you have questions about your meds and how your body can tolerate it.

Today I was not so hungry, it was like my body knew.  I only drank about 1/2 of this and will start tomorrow with what is left, unless I drink the rest tonight.  I have learned that it is always good to have a juice ready in the fridge for nighttime.

Here is my Sweet Green:

1 large pineapple

6 apples 

6 Brussels sprouts    

6 C of spinach

2 limes

2 C red grapes

nub of turmeric

These are estimates.  I will use whatever grapes I have in the freezer. Fruits that are not fun to eat anymore. I kept this in a 1/2 gallon mason jar in the fridge and drank during the day. 

It Was One Of Those Days

When I post a status update on Facebook, I almost always get a chuckle. My life should be a sitcom. I could use the cash. My day to day is not intended to be funny, however it often times ending up being that way. Today was no different.

I did not make it to the gym this am.  I did not sleep a wink last night, tossing and turning and all worked up about going to the gym.  I had a nice text conversation with my cousin today and it helped put things in perspective.  Thank you Brea.  I am going to set my dark thirty alarm and see if the gym is in the cards tomorrow.

I was doing the school run and of course was dressed to the nines.  The nines being overdressed if I was going for the nekkid look.  I had no intentions of getting out of the car.  I put on shorts, a tank top and no support underneath for the girls and my shower sandals (for at the gym). The only thing going for me was that I showered last night and my hair was tousled from tossing and turning.  Not the sexy tousled mind you. It looked closer to the I can't find my brush and I am not getting out of the car scenario. I have had a headache all weekend and no ibuprofen in the house, I even looked for dropped ones under the bed.  My head started pounding on the way home and I decided I would be quick like a bunny and get some.  I pulled into 'that' store.  You know, the store that has everything.  The store that I don't shop at and when I step foot in something always happens to me.  ALWAYS!

I find a spot and park the car.  Hubby is on the phone saying he needed toothpaste and a belt.  Now it has become an outing. An outing I am not dressed for.  I head in the doors and find my ibuprofen, pick up some conditioner and toothpaste.  I did get a little smirk from a lady who had her undergarments on and the girls were properly harnessed.  I headed over to the mens dept and sent 27 pictures to the husband of the belts he had to choose from. He wanted to see hole size, position and buckle type.  After sending the pics he says you choose.  Are you kidding me? I chose the 2 that I thought could hurt him the most.  If you are law enforcement, I kid.

I am almost out of the store and am heading to the register and I see women's T's on sale.  I think I can always use a new gym shirt (I swear I am going).  They didn't have my size, so I grabbed the ones that was a size smaller and tried it on right there over my tank top.  It fit! Yay me!  I go to take it off and am pulling it off over my head and realize that my tank top has come with it.  Right in the middle of the department, people all over and cameras all around.  This is about par for the course.  Something always happens.  I didn't know that it would be going topless in the store but what the heck.  I pull my tank back on and put my new shirt in the shopping cart.  I don't turn red, I am not embarrassed, I don't care.  I have officially reached the age of so what?  I may feel differently if I wind up on the website that showcases the people and their attire that frequent this store.  I may have to register my address on a website to warn others of my antics.  It is what it is.  If you see the pictures circulating, please be kind.

I came home and my headache was gone.  As in I could have shopped for ibuprofen when I was fully clothed. When there was no chance that I would flash everyone in a 360º 300' radius.

I had asked hubby to change the batteries in the scale as I was weighing 6,598 pounds overtime I stepped on it.  I knew it was a pound or two off and I wanted a better gauge of where I was.  He changed the batteries and I stepped on it today and it said I weighed 1,650 lbs.  That swimming sure has paid off.  I could weigh myself in the gym locker room tomorrow, but I try to keep my eyes on the ground, averted, looking at the ceiling, on my phone, covered.  Why you ask?  Well apparently a very flexible nudist colony has joined my gym and no pose is off limits when in the locker room.  The ones that keep me up at night are the bent over at the waist putting lotion on their legs, bent over and blowdrying their hair and the one with one leg up on the bench and looking in their locker for who knows what. I am not sure that I need to know my numbers that badly.

Tomorrow is another day and anything could happen and it usually does.  I might even make it to the gym.  My plan is to make it to the gym.

Panic has set in

What the _______ is going on with me?

I  have committed myself to going back to the gym, not swimming, but the machines.  For the past 24 hours I have been a bit nervous.  The past 4 hours I have been anxious.  Right now I am having what I believe is a panic attack. My heart is racing and it feels like it is going to come right out of my chest.

I was a gym rat.  There was NOTHING I wouldn't try and do and succeed at.  I mean NOTHING!  I had learned to believe in my body, to trust it and its abilities.  I was proud of all that it did.  I was so proud of the athlete I was becoming.  The gym injury took my confidence.  I know I will not be where I was 3 years ago, that I will not be doing 60 250 lb leg presses, 90 second 1 hand planks and push ups like it was no big thing (right until I hit #46 and then it was all jelly arms...lol.  I have made peace what that.

I am nervous about hurting myself and not giving it my all.  And I am nervous about what to wear to the gym tomorrow morning.  Are you kidding me?  I prance around outside for all to see in a bathing suit.  Prance might be the wrong word.  Why am I so anxious about wearing shorts and a t-shirt to the gym.  I can even wear pants if I want.  WTH is going on with me

If I do not go am I a coward? A failure? A liar? A promise breaker? Yes, yes, yes and YES!

Come Along With Me On The Journey Of My Lifetime

I have been on the quiet side today.  Today was 3 years since 'anklegate' and everything that came with it.  I have spent the day contemplating where I was 3 years ago and where I am today.  I don't like what I see.  At all. I have also been exploring my fear of the gym.  I have a real block with it.  I am afraid I could re-injure myself, that I won't be able to do what I used to do, that I won't be as dedicated as I was and that just pisses me off.  The gym is a trigger for me now.  I miss my old gym and the success that I had there, the folks cheering me on, lending their support and an atta girl as they watched my progress.

I have (mostly) come to terms with what the Dr said when he told me that my foot is as good as it is going to get.  I had the worst injury you can get and the worst damage you could have from that injury and I refused surgery when the surgeon said I 95% need it and if I was his wife, he would recommend me having it.  I have missing bone in one toe, knitting that doesn't line up in another toe and I have had pain every single day for the past 3 years (just going away with the swimming and supplements that I am taking now)

The thing that makes all this OK is that I don't ever have to do squats again!  ;) Squats are too much of a weight bearing exercise for the foot per Dr's orders.  I hated squats, oh dear Lord I hated squats.  I was really good at them and would do genuflecting squats while carrying a 30 pound weight in each hand.  It was Catholic guilt and sweat while working out.  Ha Ha

I have had many, so many new starts, new beginnings and do overs these past 3 years. I haven't been able to find my way back to the gym rat that I loved being, the athlete I had become. The liking what I saw in the mirror, the confidence I found and exuded. Now all I see is someone who's hard work was for naught.  Who let depression steal her joy and the efforts of all her hard work.  

I have been a total shit for not keeping my end of the promise I made to Nathan,  I was doing so well and I cannot find that motivation again. It is so heartbreaking, distressing, pitiful, self loathing, self hating and all the other bad adjectives I can throw at myself. 

I am done with that.  This time has to be different. It WILL be different. I have confided in some folks and asked them to give me a year to make some major changes. I have given myself until July of 2016 to make some major changes in the way I look, act and feel. I have made plans to visit folks with the improved me.  I hate the now me and I am not taking her anywhere. I have put it out there for the universe to hear and you to help hold me accountable. I have been swimming for almost 4 moths and loved it right up until a week ago when I just got totally bored with it. I turned off my 4:15 am swim alarm and have been sleeping like a champ. That is not going to get me where I need to be though. 

I am going to turn that 4:15 alarm back on and mix it up. Some days it will be swimming.. Other days it will be the machines. Some days I will make a 2nd morning trip to the gym to do the opposite of what I did that morning. I am also going to walk for an hour at the park on the evenings that Nathan is taking his Taekwondo class. Come join me at the park if you would like,  I can't be the speedy walker or jogger/runner that I was, but I will be walking and the is progress.

I am going to be blogging a few times a week and it will be all about my journey and how I am not eating my feelings anymore. There will probably be some dog stories mixed in, pithy observations, sharing my lusting after potato chips (I have a body by Lay's), a moody post or 12, Nathan antidotes and a paragraph or 2 only sore muscles. There will also be pictures and a guaranteed swear word or 7 and guaranteed honesty, the truth doesn't have to be pretty, just the truth. The good, the bad and the ugly. 

I would love if you came along with me on this journey. I need cheerleaders and folks to kick my ass, holding me accountable.  

I Made A Promise

I'M BACK BABY!  Last night it hit me, like a ton of bricks!  I had made a promise to Nathan and I was no longer keeping it.

When I lost my first 20 lbs, Nathan said to me that he couldn't wait until I got skinny.  I asked why, thinking he would say that he wanted to run and play and have me be more active with him.  He turned to me and said that when he hugs me that he wants his arms to reach all the way around me and to have his fingers touch.  He was being his sweet 8 year old self, honestly telling me his want.  It broke my heart and inspired me all at once.  I promised him that this would happen, that nothing was going to get in the way of the best finger touching hug ever!

I was doing it.  I lost 90 lbs and while there were trials and tribulations in there, my goal was a part of me.  I did not cheat with bad food.  I went cold turkey on potato chips.  I went to the gym 5 days a week and worked my schedule around my gym time.  I was succeeding.  Nathan would do a hug check every so often and then one day his hands were closer than they had ever been.  We were getting there, we were close!

Then September 24, 2012 happened.  I had a horrible injury at the gym.  I broke bones in my foot, I ripped tendons, muscles and ligaments from my bones, my ankle separated with nothing to hold it together.  I naively thought I could get a boot from the Dr and carry on, not missing a beat.  That was not even close to being what happened.  I was told I had the worst injury I could have and the injury I had was the worst of the worst.  I was going to need surgery; titanium pins, rods and screws.  I was going to be on bed rest for a long long time.  Recovery was going to be long.  I broke down and started weeping right there in the Dr's office.  This couldn't be.  I had just found my MOJO again and now I was going to spend months in bed.  Not using my right foot at all.  The foot that throbbed if you looked at it, the foot that was the size of a football.

 I was crushed.  I will skip the steps it took to get me to today and walking again.  It was a long and dark period.

It is as good as it gets.  That's what the surgeon told me.  He was happy with my progress, saying this was as good as it gets.  My bones knitted.  Knitted a little off center.  My toes are missing pieces of bones.  My ankle is tight and stiff.  I can feel a rainstorm 3 days before it hits.  My foot still gets tired.  I am grateful to be walking.  Grateful for no surgery.  I was only able to tie my sneaker last month because the swelling went down enough.  It is as good as it gets.

Fast forward to August 2, 2013 and I was looking at some pictures I had on my computer and saw my strong self.  The self that was losing weight, walked taller, stronger than I have ever been in my life, feeling great about myself and my progress.

 I then saw some pictures of Nathan and that is when it hit me.

I was not keeping my promise to him.  I had let my injury take from me something so important.  Take something so important from Nathan.  I realized that he still hugs me all the time, but there is no exciting finger touching checks.  I had let injuries become excuses, limitations become road blocks, let fear become avoidance.  Bad eating and riding the couch had become the norm.

Then I had my light bulb moment, my ah ha moment last night. Yes, I am not as strong as I was, I may never be able to do a plank again, my stamina and endurance sucks, my desire for the gym was nil, I gained weight back and I didn't care.  NONE OF THAT MATTERS!!  True, I am not as strong as I was a year ago, I am stronger than I was 2 years ago.  My first plank lasted all of 5 seconds 2 years ago.  My last plank a year ago was 1 minute and 20 seconds! Even with the weight gain, I don't weigh what I weighed 2 years ago.

What matters is my promise to Nathan.  I made a promise and I am keeping that promise.  I am starting from today, August 5, 2013.  Not 2 years ago.  Not September 24, 2012.  The past is the past and there is not a damn thing I can do about it.  I will make today matter.  I will make good choices for today.  Today I matter.  Today I will keep my promise to Nathan.

I LOVE YOU NATHAN AND OUR FINGER TOUCHING HUG IS BACK ON TRACK